An Asian illegal alien assaulted a five-year-old child at Lake Mary in southwestern Mississippi on Sunday.
An Asian carp weighing approximately 18 pounds leaped out of the water and struck the child tubing with his father on the remote lake. The family reported the incident to Mississippi wildlife authorities, who were on the scene within minutes.
An anonymous ranger who was not authorized to speak publicly said the carp was a member of an invasive species originating in Eurasia. The ranger added that the carp's gender identity and preferred pronoun are unknown.
President Trump was briefed on the incident over the weekend. In a prepared statement, the President said that large gangs of Asian carp had entered the United States illegally, flown in by NGOs funded by George Soros, and were making their way up the Mississippi River to the Great Lakes.
Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he had deployed National Guard units from six states to Chicago, where the carp is believed to be headed. Illinois Governor JB Pritzker opposed the move, pointing out that Chicago is a sanctuary city where approximately 150 million unhoused Asian carp are residing in the Ritz Carlton.
Krisi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security, expressed confidence that the assailant will be captured soon. "Once apprehended," she stated at a hastily arranged press conference, "the carp will be transported to a secure facility at Angola Prison in neighboring Louisiana, which makes Alligator Alley look like Disneyland."
The child, identified as Adrian Moffatt, experienced a noise bleed but is expected to make a full recovery.
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| I got hit by a fish that was THIS BIG! |