Joe Biden should pardon Rachel Maddow on humanitarian grounds

You can take it to the bank. Joe Biden will drop out of the 2024 presidential race. The New York Times editorial calling for Joe to step aside was the death knell for his reelection campaign, and everybody knows it.

Why doesn't Joe withdraw his candidacy to preserve his dignity and enjoy his golden years eating ice cream and clam strips at Rehoboth Beach? 

I'll tell you why. Family and friends in the Biden bunker fear what will happen to them if Dr. Dementus gets hold of the Justice Department. Trump might launch criminal investigations against the Lawfare crowd and Joe's relatives--the ones who reportedly have offshore banking accounts. Therefore, some of Biden's closest family members and advisers are urging him to hang on.

I think Biden's confidants would drop their efforts to keep Biden in the White House if Joe would issue blanket pardons to everybody who was complicit in Russiagate, the Hunter Laptop scandal, and the alleged Biden influence-peddling scam.

Obviously, Joe needs to pardon family members first. Jill, Hunter, Joe's children, and grandchildren should receive blanket pardons whether or not they did anything unlawful.

Then there are the lawyers who set up the Biden family's alleged money laundering scheme. They will want pardons. And Joe should pardon all those lawfare attorneys—Fani Willis, Alvin Bragg, Jack Smith, and others. 

On humanitarian grounds, Biden should also pardon all the people who are hysterical about the possibility of Trump becoming president again. They fear mass deportations, detention camps, paramilitary groups, death squads, and draconian restrictions on abortion.

Therefore, Biden should issue sweeping pardons to all of Trump's most vicious critics, including the ladies on "The View" and all the MSNBC commentators. I don't think any of these people did anything illegal. Still, a Biden Get-Out-Of-Jail card would ease their anxieties about possibly being sent to a concentration camp in rural Arkansas where they might be forced to pluck chickens.

Some of Trump's most paranoid fault finders may fear that a Biden pardon letter might get lost or misplaced when they need it most. For example, an MSNBC reporter might get arrested while her pardon letter was being laminated at Kinko's.

To alleviate this fear, Biden should offer to tattoo his pardon letter on the recipients' butts. 

Rachel Maddow is excessively worried about what might happen to her if Trump regains the White House. However, even Rachel would probably sleep better at night if she had a sweeping and all-encompassing presidential pardon tattooed for posterity on her rump.

What can Biden do to ease Rachel's anxiety about Donald Trump?